break

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It finally happened. After weeks of needing to, I finally broke down. The exhaustion, the stress, the anger, the exasperation, the desperate ache to exceed everyone's expectations. Last night, it all came to a head, and I finally couldn't hold any more.

Scene:
Becky finishes her hands-on final. She has two minutes before she has to be on the table so her partner can take the final. Brother is opening his mission call at 9pm. She didn't get to go on break until about 9:10. She is bummed because she wanted some time to talk to him, but her final went longer than it was supposed to, cutting into her break time. She is also furious at herself for missing 1.5 points on her final. She knew the material. Exiting the classroom, she pulls out her phone and dials Brother's number.

B: Come on, pick up Brother. (anxiously) Seriously? (no answer)

She furiously hangs up and dials the home phone. Same result. Mom's phone. No answer. C's phone. No answer. At this point, her time is running out, and her teacher has come to look for her. She really needs to be on the table. With disbelief and a prayer, she call's Dad's phone. Miraculously, he answers.

Dad: Hello?

Becky: Dad? Why is no one answering their phones?

Dad: I dunno. Here's your brother.

Becky: Brother! Where are you going?!

Brother: Hey Beck! I'm going to Texas! Spanish speaking!

Becky: No way! I'm so excited for you! I gotta go, I love you, and I'll talk to you later!

Becky hangs up, and dejectedly walks back to class. She really misses her family and really wanted some time to talk and be excited for Brother and vent about her final. Here it is. The breaking point. She's held it together thus far, and makes it onto the table. Luckily, the face-rest will hide her tears, and she indulges for a few quick seconds so no one will notice. They stream, hot and fast down her face before disappearing into the carpet. Thank goodness she was in the first group to take the final, and the only thing she has to do for the rest of the class is relax and be massaged. Kind of.

Class gets out and she hops in the car with her carpool buddy. She makes little conversation, but enough that her buddy doesn't know she's breaking on the inside. She gets home and walks in the door...and loses it. All the stress, exhaustion, anger, disappointment, and sadness just come pouring out her eyes. Poor P. He takes the brunt of it, but doesn't say anything when she soaks his shirt with her tears. She pulls herself together enough to call Brother and finally have a conversation with him about his call. He says she sounds like she has a cold. She lets him think that. They share in excitement, and that's all the energy she has left. She lays down to go to sleep, but, per the norm she lays awake.

She gives herself a pep talk, knowing she's still got some miles to go before she can rest. She reminds herself it won't be this way forever, and she just needs sleep. Things won't seem so bad when she's not so exhausted. She knows she can make it, and she knows she's got a lot going right now. But she also knows that she kind of needed to break down. Clear things out. She prays that she'll sleep hard, knowing it won't be enough for the next day, but also knowing the weekend is coming, and she can play a little catch up. She also reminds herself that many, many people are praying for her, she has a stalwart support system, and she's going to make it. She might not make it with all her hair intact, or even her sanity, but she will make it. In the meantime, she'll keep praying, and hoping that others are praying for her too.

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