time after time
Last week was my first round of finals for the year before I graduate. I have six left altogether (This next round is going to be on the last week of tax season. Heaven, help me). It was the ultimate test. Not because of my finals. Which were, yes, difficult. I aced them all, but that's not the point. I have put an outlandish amount of pressure on myself to get a 4.0, and I'll be darned if I give up my chance for that by missing some stupid questions that I know the answers to.
So I studied. Day in, day out, I studied. I studied at work. I studied when I got home from work. I studied at school. I lost sleep. I was barely functioning. I couldn't have studied (effectively) more than I was. When my focus was put entirely on my studies, there was nothing else. Which meant that everything else just sort of fell by the wayside. My relationship with P., my physical health, my spiritual health, my attitude, my stress management. When every part of your focus and time is put toward one thing, there is no way you can maintain a healthy balance with everything else. I learned it the hard way.
The silly thing was that while I was kicking my own mental butt (ha! That's a silly visual for ya), I forgot everything I had just committed to do. I forgot that I was going to rely on others for help. I forgot that I was going to make time for myself, and especially for stress relief. I was staying up late, but waking up early. I was eating the crappiest of crap. I was studying every second of free time I had. I wasn't exercising. I wasn't calling anyone to catch up. I wasn't calling anyone to lean on and ask for help. Heck, I wasn't calling anyone, period. I crammed myself into this dark hole where only the muscles of the inferior limb, my mock interviews and resume', my acupressure meridians, golden points, and body mechanics lived. What a hell hole.
No wonder I was miserable! No wonder I felt gross all the time! No wonder I lapsed into someone I don't like being! I was the perpetuator of my own misery. I couldn't even deal with my stress by working out because I used up all that time. I was wretched, and unconsciously working to bring everyone else down to my level. I became aware on Thursday night when we were studying in class before our last written final. I had absolutely nothing kind to say to anyone, and all the words out of my mouth were criticisms. I stopped talking as soon as I realized that I really couldn't make anything else come out, and isolated myself in the classroom when everyone else went on break. I had no desire to really hurt anyone. I just didn't have any control at the moment, and I only felt apathy. I felt mean and hermit-like. Stupid hole.
Luckily massage is magic for me. Not when I'm getting it. For some reason, I cannot relax during a massage. Not completely. I have classmates who fall asleep, but I just can't let go all the way. I think I'm afraid of being hurt physically, which I'm sure will come up psychologically at some point. Massage is magical for me when I'm giving one. Everything else floats away. I can only focus on the person on my table and their needs, and my problems go away for that short time. I crushed my hands-on portion of my final, and gave a rock star massage. When it was over, I felt so much relief. Like I had just let go of a huge burden, and I could actually feel and act like a person, instead of the jerk zombie I had become.
My resolve is renewed. This time, when finals roll around (I only have 6 terms left. 6 more rounds of finals), I know what to do. Keep being awesome. Wake up on time to work out on time. Make my foods ahead of time so I can eat like a champ. Keep my focus spread out so I don't get tunnel vision and forget everyone and everything outside of my studies. These next finals will be the real ultimate, ultimate, ULTIMATE TEST. I'll make a wager. I'll bet you all, every single one of my readers, that I can make it happen. And make it happen beautifully. I can balance it out. It's going to take planning and work, but I'm a hard worker. And with all the lessons I learned from this last go round, I know exactly what not to do.
If I do fail (which I won't), I'll have to call at least five of you to tell you exactly why. What went wrong, where, how, and what I'm going to do about it next time. I need all the prayers I can get, people. The last week of tax season is no joke, and I'm determined to keep my 4.0. I'll make it work, and when it's over, I'll be able to say that I did it. I kept the faith, and the next challenge will feel like a piece of cake. Love to all of you.
Me.
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