i'm a survivor

 He pulled onto the road after I passed him and followed me for a good half mile. And then turned his lights on. Expletives. Profanity. Ugly, ugly words spilled out of my mouth. I'm still repenting. I believe this was a mechanism to keep me from dissolving into a puddle of tears and snot before the officer actually got to my window. Nevertheless, I turned into a sailor, but fell into silence as I rolled my window down. He was polite enough. The first thing he asked was how I was doing. He really didn't want to know, because if he knew, he wouldn't have asked. So I lied and told him I was fine as I handed him the junk he needed to put the cherry on top of a ruined day. He said he'd be right back, and I guess my subconscious decided that was the opportune time to dissolve into that puddle. Trouble was, as soon as I opened the floodgates, I didn't have the strength to shut them before he got back. I did manage to pull it back a little bit, and turn the sobbing into a more dignified weeping. Concerned, he asked if everything was alright, and I told him it was. "Rough day?" he asked. "You have no idea." He chuckled and then apologized for adding this to my day. I told him it was my own dumb fault, and he explained that instead of citing me for (ahem) a lot of miles over the speed limit, he only put down five over, and saved my hide and my wallet. I thanked him profusely, and he backed away pretty quickly. I was a mess, apparently, and he was ready to get away from such obviously raw emotion.

I drove the last 15 minutes home in a howling, tear-stained storm from the safety of my car. People would have thought I was being tortured, or someone dear to me had died. Because that's the kind of week I'm having. The funny thing was, after about 5 minutes of just straight up crying, I got so angry. Shaking, pit of your stomach, rage against the steering wheel angry, that I started screaming. Not the horror movie, high pitched squeal, but the kind of sound that comes from somewhere deep. Like your soul. It exploded out of me in all the exhausted, frustrated, angry, guilt-ridden, resentful, betrayed, gut-wrenching force that I had inside of me, and when one scream ended, another one started. I swear, it's a good thing it was dark outside, and there were like two other people on the streets. It could have been awkward. Right around the corner from our house, I was finally spent. Drained, in fact, but at the same time, just a little bit lighter. 

See, I'm a hoarder. A hoarder of emotions. In the confines of my insides, I hold the weight of the world. If you looked inside my head and heart, and it was shaped like the inside of a house, you'd call the police on me. You wouldn't be able to walk around for all the bottled emotions strewn all over the place. Piles and piles that would touch the ceilings and fill every corner. It isn't always as full as it is right now, but I'm lacking an outlet at the moment, and this moment has been going on for a good year. And yes, I chose this life. I chose to do this to myself. The whole "full-time work, and full-time school thing." I wake up early in the morning, only to return home around 11:15, and then go to bed around midnight, just to start the whole cycle over again. Yes, I do have Sundays. But after a year, I would need a month of Sundays to catch up on the sleep I've lost. 

I didn't want this post to be about complaining and saying "wo, wo, wo," but here we are. What I really wanted to say was this: Find. Your. Outlet. Find it and hold onto it and pet it and take care of it like a tiny child. Make it a priority like you would your firstborn. It doesn't even matter what it is. Take Nike's advice and just do it. Call your mom, go for a run, do some yoga, read a book, meditate, yell like you've never yelled before in your car, listen to some crazy music and scream it out, dance for crying out loud. Anything is better than holding on to crap you don't need, won't use, and doesn't benefit you. 

Let go of the fact that you're acting when you're at work and you've got a smile on your face. Let go of the fact that a certain someone in your class at school is completely nuts and terribly rude for no reason other than desiring the attention of the world. Let go of the fact that money is a plague. Let go of the piles of dirty laundry, and dishes in the sink. Just be free. Be real. Be a functioning person who doesn't hold on to things they don't need. Don't be a horder. 

In other news, my baby brother is rocking the gospel in Mexico. He'll leave soon for Texas, and be an amazing instrument for the Lord. I thank heaven for his example every day, and the peace I feel whenever I read his letters. All is right with the world...somewhere in the world. I miss him like crazy, and all of a sudden he feels so far away. Reading his letters makes me nostalgic for my own mission, and then I remember that it is possible for me to be magnificently happy, 24 hours a day. I just have to figure out the right combination of what works for me. And thankfully, I've got a stupendous support system of people that love and care for me, and are cheering me on. This means I can make it, and not only can I make it, but I can excel. Because I'm awesome. A complete mess, but also awesome.

 "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." - ee cummings