some tears

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(I wrote this post about 2 weeks ago. It took me forever to just let it be. That's why I haven't posted it until now.)

The past couple of weeks have been a little rough for me. I've been just a little more emotional, and the time of the month has nothing to do with it. 

It all started with the confession of a very dear friend. She is in the process of doubting and questioning her faith. A process which, in my opinion, is a very healthy and wise thing to go through. How are we to know if the things we supposedly believe are true if we never test or try them?  In a practical, real-world application, scientists would never have been able to establish fact from fiction, had they never gone through the process of extensive experimentation. That being said, although I believe it to be a healthy process she is going through, I was still blown away. 

She is a spiritual giant in my eyes, and I won't lie and say I was completely able to keep my composure. On the outside, I smiled and told her I understood, while on the inside, I was totally rocked. This beacon of light and hope and triumph in my life was crumbling. And it didn't come without reason. She has experienced the worst of betrayals. It is an experience that colors her perception of herself and the world around her, and she is forever changed. Most days, she is changed for the better. Some days, however open up the scars of wounds from the past. And it hurts. And she is left to question why.  I was left wondering about free agency and the sadness of the Lord. 

My rumination let me to this thought: the Lord, in giving us our free agency, also condemned us to all the pains and trials of this life. However, my belief in a loving heavenly Father has led me to believe that He is saddened when we are sad, and that he doesn't just stand by watching. I believe He empathizes with our pain, and is far from happy that the injustices of the world have brought so much suffering to His children. This is why He sends angels to bear us up, and watches over us continuously. I don't believe our suffering goes unnoticed, and I don't believe it makes Him happy. 

Later on last week, my husband brought a book home from school. A friend loaned it to him, and told him it was an amazing book. Because things are very slow right now at work, I had a few free hours to immerse myself in the The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak. Aside from the completely original writing style and perspective Mr. Zusak portrays in his book, I was completely taken in by the story. Set in Nazi Germany, the (ficitonal) book follows the life of a young German girl, and her experiences during the war, and her family's view on the anti-Semitic workings of her home nation.

I was moved by the book. Utterly touched into my soul, so much that when it was over, I was left a blubbering mess. Not only because of the phenomenal story, but because of the suffering of the millions of oppressed people (not only Jews) during that time. I was brought once more to the Lord and His plan. 

How the Lord must have wept to see the suffering of His children! I couldn't reconcile in my mind so much suffering, with the fact that the world continues to turn. How could He not have ended the world right then? How does He let the suffering continue? I was overcome. It took me a good 10 minutes of sobbing before I could get myself under control and pray for some peace for my troubled heart. 

I was just so sad! And I kept looking at the whole history of the world from the perspective of the Lord, and thinking how heartbroken He must be at the misery of His children. I felt a great swelling of love in my heart for those who have suffered, continue to suffer, and will keep suffering in the days to come, and I know the Lord will not abandon us. We are never alone.

And sometimes there are some tears. And that's ok. There's a song composed by Z. Randall Stroope based on the poem scratched into a cellar wall by a Jew during World War II. These are some of my favorite lyrics from the song: "But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair, my heart cries for shelter to know someone's there. And a voice rises within me, saying, "Hold on, my child. I'll give you strength, I'll give you hope, just stay a little while."" 
Whenever I listen to that song, there are always some tears. But I know the Lord hears me, and I know that we couldn't grow without some tears.