fin.

I got home from a fifteen minute walk this morning. 15. I couldn't go longer. I was in excruciating pain, so mad, and so depressed. Everyday I wake up with a new resolve to get healthy. It would make my life so much easier, and right now, I could use a little easy. But everyday, I end up failing. And everyday, I get more discouraged. This morning's discouragement comes from shin splints. 

Those of you lucky saps that have never experienced shin splints don't know what you're missing. Obviously. I'll just paint you a picture then. I'm walking along. Yes, just walking. Not even trotting, jogging, or running. I'm not even walking quickly. The sun is shining, it's a beautiful morning, I've got Michael Jackson keeping the beat for me. After about two minutes (not lying. It really only takes that long), I start to get an uncomfortable feeling in the little muscle on the front of my shins. It's called tibialis anterior. This little son of a gun is trying to tear away from my tibia. What an idiot. Although, I guess you can't really blame him when he's getting all kinds of pressure from behind with soleus and gastroc trying to push their way forward. 

Did you catch that nasty word? Tear. Imagine how much that hurts for a moment. The tearing of a muscle from the periosteum of the compact bone it's attached to (I'm using big anatomy words because...I know them. And I love them. And I'm putting what I've learned at school on display, so...LOOOOOVE MEEE. Ahem). It hurts like you wouldn't believe. So that after 5 minutes, I'm reduced to "old man shuffle." Limping on both sides. It's ugly, it throws my whole body off balance, and it doesn't really do anything to assuage the pain. By that time I'm just wondering how quickly I can make it back home. Which is ironic because the faster I move, the more it rages. So I pretty much limp at the same pace, feeling more and more heat.

I'm at my wit's end. Running is something I used to love. It's been something I've relied on, time and time again to get me in shape. It's also an outlet, and at a time when I've never been so stressed, I'm in desperate need of an outlet. I'm discouraged, depressed, distracted, dangerous, damaged,  and any other d-words you can think of with a negative connotation. In my penniless state, there's not a lot I can do. We're moving at the end of July. Whenever school starts in August for P., I'll be quitting this awful job, and getting something part time up in Heber, while I keep working toward graduation in October. I can hold on until then, right? RIGHT??? Please let me hold on until then.