what's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
I've had that song stuck in my head for days now, and I decided that if I used part of it in my title to this post, maybe it would go away. I feel even worse today than I did yesterday. I'm not ill. I'm not pms-ing. My dog didn't die. I'm just in a funk. And I hate it. It could be the weather. It could be the fact that I go to bed too late, and then don't fall asleep very quickly. I think it's something more though.
I think I've disappointed myself, and I need to acknowledge that fact so I can move on. You see, I'm a starter. I don't play sports regularly, so I'm not that kind of starter. I'm an excitement/adrenaline/desperation-based starter. You know what the opposite of a starter is? A finisher. I have yet to find myself being a finisher. I desperately want to be a finisher, but apparently, not desperately enough.
I've lately been trying to make some very life-altering changes, and, per the norm, the first couple weeks, I'm stoked, following the plan, and feeling like I can conquer the world. Then, life gets harder. The devil knows that if I keep on the path and really make these changes, I will truly be unstoppable. So something gets thrown at me, and I not only veer off the path a little bit, I completely change course. And then I feel horrible about myself because the cycle that's been keeping me from finding the happiest me has just started again.
I know that I am capable of so much more. I can feel it. It's like I can see the person who lives inside of me. She stands just to my right. She's beautiful. She's so happy, and she has this emanating glow of charity. She is a world-changer. And every time I look at her, I'm reminded of my potential. Of how I could really be that happy. (Yes, I know I'm a little messed up. We all are. I know happiness can be found in the now. And I do find it, it's just a little harder some days. Like today.) I look at her and this overwhelming passion and drive comes over me, telling me that that is absolutely possible. And I absolutely know the changes I need to make to reach that potential.
That's the most heart-breaking part. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. And still the natural man wins, and I find myself at the bottom of the barrel, waiting for the next thing to come along that I can start and never finish.
I feel like Princess Leia sometimes. "Help me, Obi Wan Kan-obi, you're my only hope." Only, I don't have Obi Wan Kan-obi. I have my Jesus. And it's days like these that remind me that it's been too long since I asked for help. That, yes, I got off-course. I fell a little bit. But it's not the end of the world, and there's a reason for the Atonement. Not only do I need forgiveness, I need the strength that relying on my Savior provides. And I haven't been going to Him often enough.
He always helps. He is the answer to the question in the title of this post. He is the "Amazing" that keeps me stargazing.
I think I've disappointed myself, and I need to acknowledge that fact so I can move on. You see, I'm a starter. I don't play sports regularly, so I'm not that kind of starter. I'm an excitement/adrenaline/desperation-based starter. You know what the opposite of a starter is? A finisher. I have yet to find myself being a finisher. I desperately want to be a finisher, but apparently, not desperately enough.
I've lately been trying to make some very life-altering changes, and, per the norm, the first couple weeks, I'm stoked, following the plan, and feeling like I can conquer the world. Then, life gets harder. The devil knows that if I keep on the path and really make these changes, I will truly be unstoppable. So something gets thrown at me, and I not only veer off the path a little bit, I completely change course. And then I feel horrible about myself because the cycle that's been keeping me from finding the happiest me has just started again.
I know that I am capable of so much more. I can feel it. It's like I can see the person who lives inside of me. She stands just to my right. She's beautiful. She's so happy, and she has this emanating glow of charity. She is a world-changer. And every time I look at her, I'm reminded of my potential. Of how I could really be that happy. (Yes, I know I'm a little messed up. We all are. I know happiness can be found in the now. And I do find it, it's just a little harder some days. Like today.) I look at her and this overwhelming passion and drive comes over me, telling me that that is absolutely possible. And I absolutely know the changes I need to make to reach that potential.
That's the most heart-breaking part. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. And still the natural man wins, and I find myself at the bottom of the barrel, waiting for the next thing to come along that I can start and never finish.
I feel like Princess Leia sometimes. "Help me, Obi Wan Kan-obi, you're my only hope." Only, I don't have Obi Wan Kan-obi. I have my Jesus. And it's days like these that remind me that it's been too long since I asked for help. That, yes, I got off-course. I fell a little bit. But it's not the end of the world, and there's a reason for the Atonement. Not only do I need forgiveness, I need the strength that relying on my Savior provides. And I haven't been going to Him often enough.
He always helps. He is the answer to the question in the title of this post. He is the "Amazing" that keeps me stargazing.
:) Love that final line. yes yes yes.
ReplyDelete