a christmas baby post
It's a quarter past two in the morning. I can't sleep. I made the mistake of taking a nap today. A mistake that seems to keep happening on Sunday afternoons, but which I am helpless to fight. When your only options are to lay in bed or sit at the kitchen table and...sit some more, generally, the bed wins. Things have been a little difficult lately. So I'm awake at 2 in the morning.
For the first time since moving here, my house feels too small. I'm actually proud of myself for making it this far, this long without having these feelings overshadow me completely. 442 square feet isn't much. No, it's not much at all, and even after throwing away over 30 bags of garbage and things we've been holding onto since Day One of our marriage (this is no exaggeration, we really threw away that much stuff. We had to spread it out through Provo after our neighbors trash cans filled up), we still have more stuff than can fit in this little space. We're generally only a little messy. Here, if there's a shoe out of place, the entire house feels like a tornado has come through. So naturally, after doing 3-4 loads of laundry and only folding half before having to leave for work or school, it feels like the house is made of clothes. Which we don't have space for.
I think it could also be the time of year. When the sun goes away, and I spend the majority of my time indoors anyway as an occupational hazard, I'm not getting enough of that vitamin D. Hey, if I lived in a place where people wanted massages outside, that would be priority #1, but right now, I don't get out much. My schedule doesn't allow that anyway. I'm still in school for one more week. Thank goodness. I can't do much more of that joke of a place. Which apparently, I'm not allowed to vent about on facebook, since that's "unprofessional." Excuse me for thinking I could put whatever the heck I wanted on there. Anyway, I angrily, resentfully digress.
It could be the feeling of being trapped, of being in a cage, of being in darkness (for my bodywork friends, I'm DEFINITELY a wood personality), but I feel...not so great. I'm sure I bring it on myself too. When I have time that I'm not at work or school, I'm wiped out. I just want to be still for a second, you know, just let the world happen for a while instead of thinking about everything that has been neglected while I've been away. Super relaxing, yes. Then my quiet time passes, and it's time to work or study or go to school or do the laundry or wash the dishes...the list goes on. And this is a list everyone has, I'm not special because of my list. But sometimes, like today, the house feels just a little too small.
In an empty and fruitless search for connection with the outside world, I go online to catch up with what people are doing. This is a mistake. There are literally babies EVERYWHERE. Everyone has one, is having one, just had one, or has an announcement to make. It comes in waves just about every quarter. Nothing like the holidays to remind you what's missing. Because apparently, "It'll be so much more fun once you have kids!" I couldn't have guessed. And I can't come up with things I want for Christmas anymore. I'm an adult. If I need something, I get it for myself. This is frustrating to people, and I understand. I'm at a point in my life where they should be buying things for my kid, but they don't have that option. How freaking sucky.
And in keeping with the Christmas Spirit, we have all of one decoration up this year. We have a string of lights in the window that I put up in a desperate attempt to capture the feeling of Christmas in our shoebox. All the rest of our decorations are in storage. Naturally. Every time I turn that string of lights on, I get a little nostalgic for a moment. Putting up lights in Boise in the freezing winter air. Watching Dad shimmy up the pine tree to add another string or the huge ball on the top, praying he won't fall. Having two Christmas trees, one for the living room, which was the "pretty" tree. This was the room that was always clean and that we never went into, unless it was to practice the piano, or be home taught. That tree sat right in the middle of the window, for all the world to see, and it really was beautiful. The other tree was in the family room, where we put any keepsake ornaments we might have had, and decorated a little more...informally. Dad would put the Nativity somewhere where it wouldn't be missed, and then he would find a perfect place for the little village as well, complete with snow and lights. Just for a second, all these memories come flooding back, and that warmth and magic fill my heart. I love those moments. They make me excited to go home for Christmas, and they take away the winter chill for awhile. Yes, I'm addicted to Christmas lights.
The most important feeling of all usually comes in a smaller, quieter moment. The moment when I feel a small part of myself hiding away in a corner, holding onto a little piece of light. When I focus on the light, it's magnified, until my little corner becomes a wide open space, and I feel warm and loved from the inside out. It's in one of those moments that I feel Someone approach. He'll come sit by me and hold me for awhile. Sometimes, when I really need it, He'll just tell me over and over how much He loves me, and how proud of me He is. I'll remember how undeserving I am of His love, but He still gives it, and that's when I remember who I am and what exactly it is that I'm doing here. As long as I can hold on to that thought, and remember those things, the darkness can never really stay. He's been showing me His works more clearly lately, and I think I know why. I think He's helping me get back on track so that I can be a better instrument. And if that doesn't make a girl feel good about herself, I don't know what will. No matter how small her house is, or how many kids she doesn't have.
I'm a Christmas baby. I was born early in the morning on December 25th. Even if that were not the case, Christmas would still hold a special place in my heart. Because Christ holds a special place in my heart.
In an empty and fruitless search for connection with the outside world, I go online to catch up with what people are doing. This is a mistake. There are literally babies EVERYWHERE. Everyone has one, is having one, just had one, or has an announcement to make. It comes in waves just about every quarter. Nothing like the holidays to remind you what's missing. Because apparently, "It'll be so much more fun once you have kids!" I couldn't have guessed. And I can't come up with things I want for Christmas anymore. I'm an adult. If I need something, I get it for myself. This is frustrating to people, and I understand. I'm at a point in my life where they should be buying things for my kid, but they don't have that option. How freaking sucky.
And in keeping with the Christmas Spirit, we have all of one decoration up this year. We have a string of lights in the window that I put up in a desperate attempt to capture the feeling of Christmas in our shoebox. All the rest of our decorations are in storage. Naturally. Every time I turn that string of lights on, I get a little nostalgic for a moment. Putting up lights in Boise in the freezing winter air. Watching Dad shimmy up the pine tree to add another string or the huge ball on the top, praying he won't fall. Having two Christmas trees, one for the living room, which was the "pretty" tree. This was the room that was always clean and that we never went into, unless it was to practice the piano, or be home taught. That tree sat right in the middle of the window, for all the world to see, and it really was beautiful. The other tree was in the family room, where we put any keepsake ornaments we might have had, and decorated a little more...informally. Dad would put the Nativity somewhere where it wouldn't be missed, and then he would find a perfect place for the little village as well, complete with snow and lights. Just for a second, all these memories come flooding back, and that warmth and magic fill my heart. I love those moments. They make me excited to go home for Christmas, and they take away the winter chill for awhile. Yes, I'm addicted to Christmas lights.
The most important feeling of all usually comes in a smaller, quieter moment. The moment when I feel a small part of myself hiding away in a corner, holding onto a little piece of light. When I focus on the light, it's magnified, until my little corner becomes a wide open space, and I feel warm and loved from the inside out. It's in one of those moments that I feel Someone approach. He'll come sit by me and hold me for awhile. Sometimes, when I really need it, He'll just tell me over and over how much He loves me, and how proud of me He is. I'll remember how undeserving I am of His love, but He still gives it, and that's when I remember who I am and what exactly it is that I'm doing here. As long as I can hold on to that thought, and remember those things, the darkness can never really stay. He's been showing me His works more clearly lately, and I think I know why. I think He's helping me get back on track so that I can be a better instrument. And if that doesn't make a girl feel good about herself, I don't know what will. No matter how small her house is, or how many kids she doesn't have.
I'm a Christmas baby. I was born early in the morning on December 25th. Even if that were not the case, Christmas would still hold a special place in my heart. Because Christ holds a special place in my heart.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
- Matt. 11:28-30
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