love is all you need

As in times past, I sit at my computer in the wee hours of the morning, unable to sleep, having decided that there must be too many thoughts making a never-ending circle in my already too-filled brain for me to even consider closing my eyes. 

I'd better just get right to it. 

In the first few years, months, even days of the life of a child, more learning is done more quickly than at any other time of development. Between eating, sleeping, listening, establishing relationships, rolling, crawling, walking, running, smiling, laughing, talking, and everything in between, never will the rate at which new experiences influencing the knowledge of a person be faster than those first formative years. While this is astounding, and a very cool concept to consider, sometimes it seems as though we forget that after we've been through school, done the puberty thing, gotten married, and begun a career, the learning experiences have and will not cease. On top of that, some of the lessons we've previously learned will come back to remind us how far we've come, and how far we still have to go. The last while has been an interesting time for me. 

In the past week alone, I have been reminded of lessons learned, re-learned some of those important lessons, and gained new and improved knowledge, all while going about my normal (as normal as I can be) daily routines. 

I was reading through a weather-worn, binding-breaking, much-loved journal from my mission when I was reminded of remarkable lessons I've learned and experiences that have molded me into who I am today. I devoured the pages as my mind formed pictures of the people I met, the places I saw, the food I ate, and the language I spoke. The heartbreak, the sickness, the laughter, the joy, the devastation, the physical extremes, and the absolute love I learned reminded me of many things. There was one concept, however, that really stood out to me, and really spoke about how far I've come; I talked about a confidence I gained while toiling in the Philippines. 

Before the mission, I was never one to be described as "out-going." If you were a part of my inner circle of friends, I could be the life of the party, but striking up a conversation with a stranger seemed comparable to walking on the moon. Nearly impossible. I couldn't even be relied on to make a phone call to an adult I knew, or make an appointment with someone like a doctor. I grew up with self-esteem issues emanating from my being, so these are all reasons that made it so a mission was never ever in my life plan. I'm glad there was a different plan out there, but the Philippines wasn't something I had ever written down on a list titled, "Life Goals." 

To this day, I am affected by how the confidence I gained in my mission makes me view not only myself, but the world around me. Believing in the value I inherently have by existing as a human being, I embrace the idea that I have a place in the world. I belong here. No one can tell me differently. My thoughts and opinions (whether wrong or right) matter, and there is merit in sharing them with others. 

My confidence is a quality that attracted my husband to me, and makes me feel worthy to be attracted to him. This is an aspect of my life that will affect me forever, and because of the paradigm shift during my time across the globe, I can say a prayer of gratitude every day that we are together. He is one of the best parts of my life, and I can't imagine what living would be without him. 

I am able to put myself into situations that involve meeting new people and making friends, and while I do still consider myself an introvert (I'm prepared to spend a weekend by myself with a good book as opposed to being surrounded by people), striking up a conversation with someone I don't know doesn't make me necessarily want to gouge my eyes out. I consider this a good thing. Especially in my line of work, where I am given a set of physical complaints, and based on body language and other non-verbal cues, I can find and help remedy the other complaints that might not necessarily be physical, but might manifest in physical ways. 

Short story long, I couldn't be more grateful for the crazy, wonderful, and harrowing experiences I gained in the Philippines. I'm continually influenced by them. And as far as confidence goes, I do know that it really comes from one thing: love. Love is so powerful. The presence or absence of it can make or break families for generations. For me, it is the love that I feel every day from a Father in heaven who is proud of my service for 18 months in a foreign country, who would love me whether I had served or not, and who continues to give me opportunities for learning and growth. Because He loves me, I know who I am. I know I'm strong. I know what my purpose is. I have love to share with others, and I have the confidence to do so. 

After a day of random really really gray depression this past week, the hubs took me hiking. He couldn't have picked a better pastime to pull me out of the gray ugly. Nature really makes you feel like you're going to be ok. Something about being closer to God, I'm sure. And I was reminded again of His love. 


So I know this was a really long tangent, but I know there has to be some reason why I'm still awake. In other news, we saw the new Avengers movie. And it was awesome.